It's draft day, family. Time to get real serious. Acquire alcohol and cheesed goods, and let's get ready for war. The Atlanta Falcons don't have a pick in the first round, so we'll be really, really ready by the time it's our turn. So, great.
I was gonna do this via hilarious video with outstanding props and heartbreaking visuals, but the dadblanged camera didn't work real good. It never has, but especially not right now. Camera is a waist-bender with character issues.
However, a text-based mock draft is every bit as good as a filmed one, so I'd like to offer a supplement to the official, four-man mock draft from earlier in the week. (Which remains excellent.) Onward!
1: Julio Jones. You may say the Falcons have already drafted Julio Jones. Not so fast. We only drafted his hair. Time to get the rest of him. Nailed this pick. Also, if all those picks the Birds sent the Cleveland Browns wind up only being used to trade for Ryan Tannehill, the fifth-best Big 12 quarterback last year, then those picks were no big loss.
2: Dwayne Allen, Clemson Tigers TE. Not only is he a former basketball player, a la Tony Gonzalez, but he's most often compared to the guy who's announcing this pick for Atlanta: Alge Crumpler himself. Allen had bad Combine numbers, which might make dumb teams overlook him, but he produced in a fast-paced, wide-open offense that has an element or two similar to some Dirk Koetter's going to add. If he's still around, consider him a steal.
3: George Iloka, Boise St. Broncos FS. Mike Nolan's going to run a lot of nickel, and often with an extra safety instead of a cornerback. Iloka's a versatile guy, a free safety who filled in at corner, who looks like a bigger Thomas DeCoud. He could free up William Moore to be that rover. Plus he's got a little bit of attitude, which the Falcons are looking to stock up on after four years of nice guy drafts.
4: Julio Jones' evil twin, Julius. Doesn't play football, but we're stuck with him. The J is silent. Two picks nailed so far.
5: Jarius Wright, Arkansas Razorbacks WR. If we're going five-wide, we could use a slot man to back Harry Douglas. Wright can run all the routes and make circus catches (DISGUSTING), but he's a little fella. Gotta play him in the slot so he doesn't have to shake presses.
6: Ryan Davis, Bethune-Cookman DE/OLB. Thomas Dimitroff has talked up taking a small-school guy. Twelve sacks last year, but not big enough to play 4-3 end. However, we could be looking at a fine tweener for when Nolan decides to get all tricksy.
7: Asante Samuel, Central Florida CB. Lightly heralded, but I'm thinking this transfer from Boston and Pennsylvania has the makings of a Pro Bowler who's led the NFL in picks since 2006. Eye for talent. Three picks nailed.
7: Probably LeSean McCoy, the way the Eagles are throwing around talent. Instead, let's go with William Vlachos, Alabama Crimson Tide center. Started 27 games for the SEC team most similar to the Falcons, but is being overlooked because he's a scant 305 pounds. Put him in the middle and let Mike Johnson focus on a right guard battle with Vince Manuwai.
That's my mock draft! Mock it, please.