FanPost

How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil?

"The important thing is moral choice. Evil has to exist along with good, in order that moral choice may operate. Life is sustained by the grinding opposition of moral entities."

-Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

Yup… saints must exist so that we can get a lot of joy out of kicking their ass on Sunday in THEIR house. Revenge is a dish best served cold, my little droogies. Just kidding my fellow FALCOHOLICS!!

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You're playing a video game, and suddenly "WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!" flashes onto the screen. The music changes. There's a boss approaching fast. Well, at least this is what happens when you play the classic SNES game Phalanx.

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN BY THE VERY LEAST TALENTED OF ALL FALCOHOLIC READERS - YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 17 YEARS OLD TO READ THIS POST!!!! ADULT LANGUAGE, GRAPHIC IMAGES, AND CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS ARE ALL INCLUDED!!!! READ THIS AFTER YOUR WIFE AND/OR MOM HAVE GONE TO BED ALREADY!!!! (I put "and" in case saint fans that are married to their mothers are reading)

((where's my jump?))

I'm a classy guy and I'm also not a classy guy. Like all of you, I'm situational. Life's all about timing. There's a time and place to be goofy and serious, classy and shameless. Right about now, with the 3-6 saints coming up, I'll be completely shameless.

I'd like to apologize in advance to all the classy people in the world (first and foremost, Mr. Dave Choate) who would just be rendered speechless if they saw this existed. It's only Thursday, and I'm already fired up. I can feel my blood heating up, and as we get closer to Sunday 10AM PT (SoCal Falcons Represent!) my blood will certainly come to a boil.

Like a boss, I'm coming to the side of every Atlanta Falcons fan across the world. Like a boss, I'm going to absolutely ruin the saints by dropping bombs on their team, their fan base, and their stadium. The bombs are going to devastate the stuper dome more than a hurricane can.

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And if you're a saints fan reading this- take a look around- the site is red.. the hyperlink at the top of your browser says http://wwmotherfuckingw.TheFalcoholic.com/ReadYourOwnBlogSite

So don't cry to me about all the anti-saint articles/comments on the Falcon's best unofficial blog site. No fucking shit we’re completely biased over here!

Now that some of the bombs have been dropped, I'm going to change the focus back to the best team in the league right now.

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There are a couple Falcon fans that are doing some weird stuff (like the bud light commercials: only weird if it doesn't work) to help the Falcons win games. First, there's Mr. Caleb Rutherford, the young man we all love, the poke master who has the power to disable drew brees, the person capable of shielding fans with his mighty ATL Falcons Jacket... and then there's me. The opposite of all things Mr. Caleb Rutherford.

Mr. Rutherford, or PikaCal, as I like to playfully refer to him as, gives us the same score prediction each week. And it's working. Unbeknownst to him, it's working because he's getting a little help. We all have to chip in.

Since the beginning of the season I have started growing out a good luck beard. Thankfully it works with the team, because it certainly doesn't work with the ladies. For example, there's a new cutie at my job that I scouted out, but she won't make eye contact with me. Unbeknownst to her, she's all mine as soon as this beard comes off in February (19-0, a reality- just ask Roddy White)... or sooner than February, if the Falcons lose their one game to the Giants but then beat the Giants in the playoffs on their way to their first Superbowl.. that's a scenario I can dig.

She will be mine, oh yes.. she will be mine. I have to get her, because she looks something like this girl:

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I’m not sure if my future ex-girlfriend looks like that without her work clothes on, but I’m a dreamer. Bonus points to anyone who can name that porn star.

The other thing I do was less planned than the beard. And everyone can do this- do it for the team!!! Before each game, I blast and repeat this song: "LA Woman" by The Doors. Try it... goes well with alcohol. Especially after a victory.

LA Woman by The Doors -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qNikzk2V7c

Does anyone else have any crazy rituals? Please, let us know! Or don't... if that's how your ritual works. Keep it working the right way- I understand.

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Initially, I was going to start this post by doing a lengthy write up detailing our strength of schedule vs. other good team's strength of schedules, but Turner_the_Burner, my best Aussie friend ever, beat me to it. And I couldn't be happier- not only do I not feel the need to do it, he did it better than what I had planned in my simple mind.

Here's a link to his article in case you happen to be reading this before seeing his awesomeness:

http://www.thefalcoholic.com/2012/11/6/3608360/dispelling-the-easy-schedule-myth

So there you have that...

I'd like to add.. Doesn't matter who beat who, really it doesn't. What matters is that you play whomever you're scheduled to play, and you try to win the game. Isn't that the goal of every team?

If we happened to have our first eight games scheduled like @Giants, vs. Eagles, @49ers, vs. Patriots, @Packers, vs. Chicago, @Ravens, vs. Texans... and we beat all of them and were 8-0 (like we are right now, whoop whoop, fuck the saints) the media wouldn't have any wiggle room to disregard us. We'd sit atop all the power rankings, and we'd be respected.

Oh Well, like I said, we got our schedule, so far we have beaten those teams. What more are we supposed to do? Beat those teams 50-10 every game? Doesn't happen. Media doesn't love us, and we don't love them. It's actually a positive relationship. I didn't check all the power rankings on every site, but I put this together...

Power-rankings_medium

#1, #1, we’re fucking #1: The Atlanta Falcons.

#32, fuck them, they’re #32: aints

Who dat? Dat #1 team in the NFL.

Who dat? Dat a hurricane coming towards your stadium... it looks like a giant falcon.

Who dat? Damn I sound stupid- I sound like a saints fan.

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Oh those 3-6 saints... maaaaaan, (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) the new orlean saints, (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) drew brees, (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) sean payton, (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) all their fans (especially the "roger ruined us for no reason" breeds, which is all of them, so again, (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) all their fans), and (EDITOR EDIT: EXPLELITIVE) the natural disaster/football blending media.

I was driving yesterday, and came up with a song. You can sing this song to any tune you choose. It's universal hatred. Hatred shared by Falcoholics everywhere. It's inspired by the two year old inside of me.

Verse:

I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I hate the saints! I fucking hate the saints!

Chorus:

Quit complaining, your team got caught running a bounty scandal, hate yourself and not roger no-goodell, for you like the saints

And just repeat that until your chosen tune ends.

I thought about heading over to the saint's CSC blog and intelligently/manipulatively stirring up a ruckus, but before I could do that, JoseAces' Star Wars inspired holograph appeared before me, and since Disney purchased Star Wars, he had Mickey Mouse ears on. Still though, he was to be taken seriously. He reminded me that I need to be mature and show class- you know, be the bigger man. Being the bigger man is difficult because most of the time the only one that knows you're being the bigger man is yourself.


So instead of going over to their blog to stir up a ruckus, I'll (continue to) showcase classlessness on my home blog. Because I hate the saints. And I hate saint fans that come to The Falcoholic to speak their nonsensical, pro-saint opinions. Especially when they're trying to defend their team against a Falcons fan who disrespected their team. I told an ass clown on here before, The Falcoholic is not the place to come defend the saints. That would be like me going to a business woman's conference and giving all those successful women a speech based on my argument that women are the reason why chivalry is dead. Makes sense, right? So all of you saint fans who visit/participate at this great blog- you know who you are: Please (look I said please) pack your bags, prepare for another hurricane, and leave!!!

If you want to keep reading, keep reading at your own risk. More classlessness on the way. I asked for help for this piece. Let's roll with it...

Ten-things_medium

1) Chug 1.75 liters of Jack Daniels and 1.75 liters of Grey Goose, after downing a six pack of Heineken

2) Take a swim in Alaska in December, in the nude, with a grizzly bear watching

3) Take a trip to space, minus the space suit

4) Live with an ex-wife who owns several sharp knives and a few guns that are equipped with silencers

5) Get tied up to two horses and make them run in opposite directions

6) Pay for and go down on a fat hooker that has just picked up jogging but hasn't bathed in two weeks

7) Take a shower in blood and jump into the Pacific Ocean from a plane, without a parachute, near a hungry great white

8) Purchase a Wii U, because we're all SO looking forward to controlling Zelda and Metroid with an iPad rip off.

9) Allow your 13 year old daughter's 18 year old boyfriend to spend a week at your house- the week that you're away on business - and even purchase the condoms, because the 18 year old is out of school and has no job and no money

10) Convince Mother Nature to create a hurricane that destroys the stuper dome, a day after we've won our first Superbowl in it. Veni!! Vidi!! Vici!! Now blow this mother fucking building away!!

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Okay, I kind of cheated. That was really only 9 things. We’d like to see #10 at any point. While I'm on the subject of hurricanes, let me be brutally honest. I don't care that Katrina happened. I'd be a better president than any of the candidates, just based on brutal honesty and being a man.

Did anyone else notice Romney's lie on MNF, in front of a nationally televised audience?

When asked who his favorite team is, Romney said "I’m a Patriots fan. I take full responsibility for their two championships they won."

Problem with that is that the Patriots won THREE championships in five years (boston sucks! boston sucks! Go Lakers!). If he can’t be a man and admit he doesn’t watch football, how can we count on him to be a man in the white house? We can’t anyways, because he lost. But none of us won. Sadly, the presidential election was simply a real life lose-lose situation. Americans have chosen their poison.

And let's see me get back onto the topic of football… sort of.

I know I had more to write about... hmm... oh yea, not really football, but more on hurricanes.

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I don't care about Hurricane Sandy that's really just Storm Sandy, but I understand/respect the influence one storm has on the folks in the northeast and at the same time can care less about hurricanes/storms that affect people who like the saints.

So to show my support for THAT storm, I've decided to show you pictures of girls who happen to share the same name as the storm that has caused so much pain to so many people.

Here you go.

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Sandy2_medium

Sandy1_medium

Sandy4_medium

Sand5_medium

Those are lovely, aren't they? Suddenly all that water has dried up, hasn't it?

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Good morning/afternoon/evening, farewell: If this doesn't get me kicked off the blog than I don't know what will. I had to get a lot off my chest on this post because I don't have the drive to write a lot nowadays. I hope you all don't wake up on the wrong side of the bed on Sunday morning, like I know I will. Anyone else just in a sour mood the day you play the saints? Why? Because fuck the saints, that's why!!

Quick note- I know you're all so happy that the Lakers are 1-4 right now... I'm not happy. Mike Brown needs to go! [[KASH EDIT: This was posted Thursday evening.. Mike Brown FIRED Friday morning!! Laker fans, rejoice!]] That is all I have on the subject of the greatest basketball organization in the world, if not the greatest sports organization in the world.

Another quick note- If you love a girl, and she loves you back, snatch her up before it is too late. She might just elope in Paris.

Another quick note part II- the saints suck, just look at their fans:

Brown-bag_medium

Let’s make successful business women everywhere proud: Let's look at more photos of women... and vote on them!

A classic poll! Polls are fun, right? Well, I think so. It takes a lot of hard work to put that crap together, so you better vote. Vote or Die!

I think I'm done, I think I said enough.

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<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>

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