To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit? I owe you my career high longest post ever. Good luck.
WARNING: This post was written by one of, if not "THE" least talented Falcoholic readers. This is definitely NOT the work of masterminds Choate, Rutherford, and Rael. If you don't take care of yourself you must stop reading this right now. That goes for people who are capable of working but choose to be bums that receive my tax money. I never get my hard earned money back. If you're under 18 but you take care of yourself, good for you, but you can't read this either. Nor can saint fans who expect me to show respect. This is THE FALCOHOLIC... it's completely, 100% Pro-Falcons and 100% Fuck the saints!! Now get out of here! The handful of you brave people who want to kill some time at work, continue reading. The rest, scroll down to the pictures and cast your vote on what is probably the last Left Vs. Right poll of the year.
And for those who like pictures more than reading long, saint hate filled, drawn out warnings:
Quick Rant: No more jump? I enjoyed strategically placing that in my post.
End of quick rant.
Since I'm the least talented, I have to admit something... you know who writes my posts? The DW. Because there isn't a single comment of his that I read and disagree with. And I'm not the only one; I think the comments that he posts automatically receive three rec's instantly- he's always highlighted in green.
Okay, I'm lying of course. He doesn't have my password. And he doesn't want to have anything to do with the crap I'm putting out this week. Good thing I'm a good multitasker (video gamers are typically better at that... take THAT television viewers who hate on video games).. because as I write, I'm all over the place (we can tell). A tree with a single branch that begins with saint hate, spawns several little boy branches, and hopefully develops into the most gorgeous tree you'll ever find in any forest. And that's the first time I used the word "gorgeous" for anything other than a woman. What's wrong with me?
Let me just get into this... all by myself... here goes nothing... Seriously, nothing.
First of all, Dave told us to pick a game theme song- Use any song with the word "close" or "closer" in the title.
Right away, my theme song was selected. 1994's "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Jman781 has a sick mind like myself, so he also thought of this song. This video is uncensored and is meant for adults... like the rest of this awful post.
And no Mr. Choate, I will not visit the bog of eternal stench that is canal street chronicles. Have they cleaned up that city enough for me to come visit it yet? Is there another hurricane in the forecast? Maybe next year... Or maybe I'll wait until I'm completely self-loathing since I'd absolutely have to hate myself for traveling to that piece of shit city full of people like dave corolla. corolla loves me more than his wifey, so I'm sure he'd give me a tour. Then I'd hang myself afterwards. When I come to that city to help the Falcons beat the saints in the Superdome for the first time in unfortunately a little while, I'll be in and out of that place. No need for me to hang in a bar with a Falcons jersey and allow people to try to test me.
Oh look at me, this portion of my post was supposed to be about our other division rivals, the buccaqueers. My animosity for the saints took over. I left off after my "first of all".
Second of all, michael turner. My text to my Falcon loving friends pretty much sums it up...
"QUIT USING TURNER FUCKING SHIT HE CANT EVEN GET ONE FUCKING YARD"
I was as furious as many of you were after that play.
I actually wrote this after that play that turner failed to gain a yard on 2nd and 1, which led to an interception by Matt Ryan on the next play... I still blame turner for that interception, whether anyone agrees or not.
Everyone on The Falcoholic agrees- stuttering turner, tip-toe turner, turner the slow cooker, or just plain old turner, needs to be benched. If he doesn't like it, oh well. Produce and play. If you don't, you're benched. He has had more than a few chances... far too many chances. Maybe he'll actually run better if the coaches send him a message.
And who comes into my cube to interrupt my craptastic rythm and my shared hatred for turner? My cute co-worker... If only I could, I would do the follow:
-Take her to dinner
-Take her to movie
-Take her to bar
-Prove not all guys are the same, and then
-Only cuddle, cause I only want to cuddle
-But then HE wakes up... and
-It's not my fault she started it
-So I finish it
-And have her for dessert. Yummy..
-Too bad it's not in the storage room at work
Off topic again.. don't blame me, blame her and that pretty face of hers. Oh, and since I'm talking about her, you all must know that she threatens to take down the good luck beard, and it's all my fault. For I agreed that if she dyed her hair black and added red highlights, and little Falcon logo hair ties, I would cut off the beard. Because she doesn't like our good luck beard. And she yelled at me about it. It's not like I demand that she tailors her pubic hairs to my liking... I'll take a little hair, but bald will do. Well, I'm not that picky.. I know how to spread lips and pick hair off of my tongue. And that just makes me laugh out loud.
Hey, I always tell my friends- If I tell a joke and no one laughs but me, I don't care because what's important is that one person thinks it’s funny, including myself.
Seriously though, moms love me. All of the mothers of girls that I've dated (approximately 100,000) that I've met love me. Even the mothers that, according to the lucky girl I'm dating at that time, hate every guy. Dad's on the other hand, likeability percentage is much smaller. The hard thing for dad's to grip (I'm a father of ten children with 11 different baby momma's so I'm an expert) is that guys want to have sex with their daughters. I would be a horrible father if my ten kids weren't all boys... The unfortunate truth is that we (not me, but still we) must understand that we (not me, but still we) once wooed our wives with the same goal in mind. It's natural.
I'm done giving out free advice, if it can be called advice at all. I usually charge by the hour for that shit.
Remember the girl who works where I work, and whom looks like this-
Well, I'm making progress. I've just obtained her name, and now I can get my team to figure out if she's single or not. Probably not.. she's far too cute to not be getting hit on constantly. If she is, I'll have to consider my priorities- keeping the good luck beard for the Falcons, or cutting it off for a woman. Falcons all the way! Fuck changing myself for any woman. She'll have to learn to make eye contact with me while I have the beard. It's nasty, but it's not like I'm 400 pounds overweight.. Beards can be cut off in five minutes. 205 pounds cannot be removed in five minutes. Maybe she doesn't make eye contact with me because she's as shy as me? Stay tuned, as this story will most certainly continue to develop.
I must seriously get back to a topic that everyone can love and appreciate. Wait, scratch that. The topic is the saints- a team and topic that we cannot love and appreciate. Rev up the hate.
Reading a bit of history on good ole' Wikipedia. I wasn't much of a football loving guy before the 2000's, and so I've missed many bad years by both teams. Falcons barely hold onto the all-time series record at 46 wins to 41 losses. But lately, Falcons have found ways to lose to these mother fucking saints and their stupid mother fucking ass clown fans.
The saints four game winning streak against us must come to an end. And drew brees must break a leg. And a hurricane must wipe out their plane when as it attempts to return to their stupid city.
Welcome to HELL you mother fuckers!!!
Roddy White said he hates everything about new orleans, except the food. Well, I haven't been there yet, but I can honestly say that I hate everything, including the food. You're a saints fan who is actually reading this? I hate you too. I wouldn't give you a ride if I was coming down an unpopulated mountain, and you were stranded on the side of a road in a blizzard. And I wouldn't hope that you packed emergency supplies. And you probably wouldn't have, because you're an idiot because you like the saints.
I hate the saints.
I decided I'd make a little list of everything I hate and how they rank up against each other. The saints aren't number one of my list of hate.. but they're up there.
In order of absolutele, punishing hatred to just a little bit of hate:
the city I temporarily live in
Kobe’s future retirement
dying in call of duty
slow drivers in fast lane
getting up early for work
over-priced drinks w/ under-poured liquor
girls that are wannabe angels
There’s probably more I forgot. I didn’t put ex-girlfriends because I’m ice cold when it comes to them- Not an ounce of hate wasted on worthless psycho bitches.
I suck at singing, but I wrote a simple and yet effective song during my last anti-saints rampage. I thought another song would be appropriate... this time I put (a little) more effort into it...
Sing this to any tune you'd like...
saints, saints, fuck the new orlean saints
their owner, their manager, fuck the new orlean saints
their players, especially brees, fuck the new orlean saints
lofton, enjoy your contending team
fuck you and the new orlean saints
classlessness? who cares, fuck the new orlean saints
their fans, all queers, fuck the new orlean saints
a hurricane, i wish
will wipe out the new orlean saints
if I, was rich, I'd wipe purchase a hurricane
and use, it to, wipe out the new orlean saints
saints, saints, fuck the new orlean saints
kiss, my ass, anyone who likes the saints
stay on your worthless blog
fuck, fuck, fuck the new orlean saints
Need I say more? I hate the saints.
I even hate this lady:
And yea, I'd fuck her... I'd pull her hair, slap her ass, and punish her for being a fan of the saints.
Now let's get into the lighter side of this excruciatingly long fanpost and get this baby concluded.
Against the bucs... One play, he's getting torched for about 30 yards on a third down play that put the bucs into scoring position. Very next play, (I forget exactly who it was, I think Samuel) - someone else is making a good play on the ball, and preventing a touchdown. Who does the camera catch shaking his finger, talking smack? DeCoud.
Come on, Man!
Oh, and I still haven't seen anyone post anything on The Falcoholic about DeCoud's public service announcement that came out about two weeks ago. When no one else knows or cares to do it, count on me. I'll do whatever because I simply don't care.
But this is actually pretty funny, although one has to wonder... Does he enjoy his shower time too much? I don't care, just help us win a superbowl... and you can do whatever you want, anytime you want.
Check it out-
Thomas DeCoud's Green Infraction (via AtlantaFalconsNFL)
(high pitched voice)
Falcons! Falcons Rise Up!
I think he makes Prince proud.
If I promoted gambling, I'd make everyone bet on which version of the Cute Girls chapter they think is loved more. I'd put my little amount of money, my car, my Falcons skinned wrapped PS3, and my socks on this version.
I was asked to feature girls that were wearing more clothes. Of course I'll oblige. And I've (unfortunately) got bigger logo's.
Reminder: Look over your shoulder; your boss, mother, wifey, kids, or dog might be lurking. Get out of here Rufus! Rufus isn't my dog, that's my imaginary wife. For she'd be extremely hot and she'd always have an apple in her mouth... like a well behaved piece of meat.
While writing this lengthy nonsense I decided that this week’s game song was going to come a few days before the game even began.
The lyrics are suitable… to me at least. This song has one of the best intro’s you’ll ever hear.
Bother to satisfy your curiosity? Click the link to open it in a new window...
A taste of the lyrics; guess who the saints are:
There'll never be a new Ice Age like this one
Minds on the sleeper train
Ice will make a thousand sculptures
And ice will spit them out
Ice spit out, ice spit out
Ice shocks a sleeping system
Ice hits the dead beat bar
Ice hits the faceless enemies
Ice strikes the cowering clowns
All of the lyrics can be found here.
Yes, this fanpost is filled with random thoughts. I have some more to bundle up here.
Posters and shit
Lakers: I know all of you Falcoholics despise the LA Lakers and you love the way their season has gone thus far, but I don't. I love them, and I hate the way their season has started. But it's better to play poorly in the beginning of the season... then get hot in April, May, and June. Once a week I have a dream about photo shopping a poster of both of my championship winning teams.. Hopefully I'll be able to share an image of that poster with all of you one day... you'll all love half of it so much you'll just have to love the other half as well.
Some of you know how much I love me a good custom poster... for those who haven't seen one yet, check this out-
(Where's that blasted Rufus at?)
Because you all care, I'll let you in on a secret.. working on a custom Lakers poster, but I'm only liking it right now. Something doesn't look right in my eyes, so I'm going to hold off on getting it produced right now:
When it's ready I'll ship you one for $20.. I wonder if I'd get sued for trying to sell it online. Lakers have a lot of money, why should they care if I attempt to make $20 selling it? I'll consider it. Probably wouldn't sell anyways. If the Lakers came a knocking I'd tell them to quit being Mad Jewish. Hey, don't be offended, even a (secure) jew could laugh at that.
What else is on my mind?
The Importance of Division Records
Oh yea, I wrote a fanpost which screamed the importance of division records... I’ll repeat myself- Gotta have a winning division record to compete for a Superbowl. Right now we're 2-1 in our division. We beat the saints and the teal kitty kats on 12/9 and we have our winning division record wrapped up well before the playoffs begin. On top of that, we’ll be at 12-1 and pretty much wrapping up our first round bye as well.
Think I'm nuts? Haven't seen the numbers? Take a look at this recycled chart:
Now you understand why we must at least be 4-2 in our division.. and if we lost 2 games, they can't both be to the saints. No way, no how. I will not accept it, and you won't either. But we'll take it if we win a Superbowl. Winning championships makes you forget about ugly losses during the regular season, trust me... I'm a Lakers fan. In 2009 we lost to the Orlando Magic twice in the regular season but whooped them 4 games to 1 in the NBA Finals.
The Tale of Skunky the Skunk
Really quick… I meant to share this story in an earlier post but I have been forgetting.
A little while ago at work one morning, I was pulling in to start my Monday. Joy to the world. Monday.
Thankfully, something happened, and it made my day. Yes I know what you’ll be thinking soon- the fact that this made my day is pretty pathetic. My job is pretty boring… so any entertainment will have to do. I still think this is funny though.
So what happened is that I pulled into the parking lot, and through my blurry, sleepy eyes I see a couple of cones about 100 feet ahead. I get closer, and realize there’s a dead skunk in the parking lot. But has anyone seen road kill handled this way before? This is the security team at my job, the boys in blue, in their finest moment. I had to take a picture:
To make this interesting, someone.. not sure who.. why would I do such a thing? I wouldn’t.. I couldn’t.. It wasn’t my idea, to say the least. Well, someone thought it would be funny to turn this into a crime scene.. cover it up, draw a chalk line. The best part is the person who did this didn’t get caught, and he managed to get the building, full of 1500+ people, to talk about this and blame the security department.
Skunky sat like this all day, and everyone saw him because security couldn’t figure out the best thing to do in this situation was to toss the road kill off to the side of the road and call animal control. Nope. They put cones down.
That night, animal control finally picked it up. I wish I saw the looks on their faces and knew how they felt about the handling of this dead skunk.. I bet it’s the first time they saw something like that. The next morning when I showed up to work, there was nothing left but a chalk line.
Too bad the person who didn't draw the chalk line wouldn't make a memorial for Skunky like he intially planned. Would have read something like
"Here lied Skunky. Skunky was a noble skunk who actually smelled pretty good because he believed in his smelf. He hated the saints a lot, which made him extra cool. He is survived by nine kits"
(kits are how you refer to a baby skunk. You can thank all mighty Google for that one, because I sure as hell didn't have a clue what the hell they were called)
Well, I thought the tale of Skunky was hilarious. And so did my colleagues. That made our Monday the best Monday ever, easily. And at the same time, sadly.
Not saying this fanpost deserves props… but I just want to say that I appreciate it whenever anyone likes my crazy shit. Like every other person who writes anything on this great blog, appreciation from fellow readers make it worth every second to produce. Cheers!
Squeezing more saint hate out of my body…
One more time, please!
Fuck the saints!!!!!!! LET'S GO FAAAAAAALLLCCOOOOOOOONNSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really think that's all I have, so let's get to voting: