WARNING - YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 17 YEARS OLD TO READ THIS POST. THIS POST DOES NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE FALCOHOLIC.
Almost the end of these for the enjoyment of all of us. I wasn't going to do this tonight, but then found myself writing while at a buddies house.
No time for the huge Tebow celebration yet, but I still have something planned. It's going to be so big, I didn't even bother to put Tebow in this week's show. I'll just simply say - I told you so.
I watched many games from inside a nice bar on Sunday morning. I'll get a hopefully quick and hopefully funny story out of the way before hitting the Anti's.
I can honestly make anybody laugh whenever I feel like it, and so that fuels my opening skills with the ladies.You see, when it comes to the ladies, I am the best at opening. Unfortunately, closing is a different story. It's just a tad bit more difficult, especially if a girl is with her friends. I'm at my best in one-on-one, and you're probably the same. Girls just change when they're with their friends, and it's more difficult to win the game.
Anywho, I'm in the bar with my friend who has failed as my wing-man in the past (GB@ATL game spent in bar...). Long story short, We have two little tables on this little bench in this crowded bar. He has a fourth of his beer left in his glass when he decides to go use the head. These three hotties (one dark haired latina, one brunette whitey, and one blondie) show up, and ask me if the table next to me is taken. I grab the beer off the table, and say "nope!". Hotties sit down. Latina is my favorite, and she has Raider gear on. Brunette is a close second, and she has a fucking Tebow jersey on. Blondie.. not sure.. she was in distant third. Never loved blondes... but she was cute. Tebow jersey girl is an easier target, and she seems to like me better anyways, so I start chatting it up. She tells me she's from Denver, and she's a little skeptical of Tebow's success, but will take the wins - what an honest girl. I love her already.
My friend returns, and he's like a statue that fell off a ship and landed on the ocean floor - dead and cold. Completely worthless in the clutch.
Crunch time, and I hear this girl TALKING SERIOUS FOOTBALL with her friends, all the while she keeps glancing over at me. Okay, it's time for the go-ahead touchdown, I think to myself. Too bad my friend was dead, because when I went to talk to the brunette, her friends were all in my face with their who-dickie-cock-blocking-nonsense. Please, I begged my broken-winged-man, talk to these two other girls long enough for me to kick the game winning field goal.
Nope, and that's a wrap. Yup, that's the end. Wish the story ended better, but I'm just not the best 4th quarter guy. I'm like Tony Romo!
And I need to work on that... but I still believe it was my friend's job to help me out a bit. We're 0/2 together in the bar, and I've carried what little weight we have.
Laugh at me, I don't care. If I had a solid wing-man, we'd be unstoppable.
In case you're wondering, this is what the brunette looked like, except without the professional makeup and willingness to be a total slut for cash (at least I don't know she's not willing to do that, because I never brought it up). Oh, and replace the black lace with a tebow jersey. Yup, I'd still do her if that's all she had on... something about girls with only a t-shirt on...
I had a friend that traveled to the PIT@SF game- this guy is a HUGE Steelers fan- has the logo tatted on
his entire back. Steelers for life, his whole life, and all of that stuff.
So he goes to the game, and what he had to witness was worse than shoving your arm into a cow's butt to
retrieve all of the shit. I watched the game from another friend's living room. What I saw wasn't any
good. What I did see though, was a true winner. Fortunately for us, I happen to know our award winner. I
had to write him a letter.
Dear Ben Roethlisberger,
We didn't know whether or not you would play. Then it was announced. You were going to start. It was good
to see you in the game, until we saw you in the game.
Ben, I know you as well as anybody does, and you know I am sad to have to be bringing you up on this stage
with me, to accept your award. You had momentum, and then you threw a ball into double coverage. You first
interception of the night.
49rs proceeded down the field, and kicked a field goal to take the lead for good at 3-0.
You get the ball again, and you get a first down or two, I forget. Then, you overthrow a for-sure
touchdown pass to Mike Wallace. Then, on a play in which you had enough time to pitch a tent and convernt
to islam, you throw a horrific ball high over your tight end. You had Mendenhall on the right for a check
down throw that would have netted at least8 yards. You were hurt, and stiff since the lights had just
caused another delay. Why not take the easy way out sometimes?
Ben, we talked about this in the offseason. You would be so much better if you just threw the easy throws
instead of always aiming for the other teams throat.
You looked shittier than the stadium itself. You were weak sauce.
Next time, try not to fuck it up so bad. Just sit and let Charlie play.
That worthless excuse for an NFL stadium needs its own award this week. On a national stage, the obvious
was displayed- San Francisco has a cheap ass owner. An ass jew who probably likes little boys. I don't
know his name, and I'm not looking it up either. Fuck him.
The lights went out twice causing about 45 total minutes worth of delays. At one point the media showed us some sort of new stadium design, and they said the political hurdles were almost leapt over. Fuck
politics. That should have nothing to do with it. This owner has plenty of money, and so needing financing
is a bunch of mularkey. This gay jew should have demolished that stadium ten years ago and treated his
teams fans to a plesant NFL experience, not a bullfuckle taco truck filled holocaust-like renactment.
When you arrive you get to pay 30 bucks to park and tailgate in a dusty dirt lot parking, with dust
getting into your food and beverages. Good luck with that.
If you don't want to eat chili dirt dogs and drink sand beer, you can pay 70 dollars for a paved piece of
shit lot. 70 dollars? What the fuck?
This guy is so cheap, the stadium, since 1960 or whatever, has had one way in, and one way out. We'll get
back to the exit in a few.
Their stadium is horse-shoe shaped, meeting in the middle for the one entrance/exit. THere's one bar in
this area, which is crowded as hell. Looking for a restaurant? You're not going to find one. Instead,
you'll find a taco truck kiosk with a line thats right next to the shitter's line.
The seats are so crappy, everybody literally stands throughout the entire game. No joke. Pre-game warm ups, 1st and 2nd quarter, halftime, 3rd and 4th quarter, after the game- everyone is standing. Long time season holders told my friend that everyone always stands, because it's less painful than sitting on those medieval torture device-esque chairs. Older fans no longer go to the games or to all of the games because they're too old to stand that long. Thanks, Jewboy!
The holocaust renactment really begins when the game is over and you've got to leave and go home. Since
there's only one exit, you're going to have a ball walking zero mph in foot traffic, while security gaurds
ride high on horses, whipping you to keep you in line. If you paid 70 bucks for a paved spot, you still
have to wait up to two hours to drive out of the stadium, since there's one exit for the lot.
If you paid 30 bucks to park in the dirt bowl, you have to wait up to two hours to get out of the desert
lot, since there's only one exit.
I have been considering going to Candlestick Park, but now... not so much. Fuck that. I don't want to
support a cheap ass owner.
Candlestick Park... What a worthless heap of steamy t-rex doo doo.
Yes, I still hate you Mike. No, this week I don't have to sick PikaCal on you. He's charging up at the
pokecenter anyways. He needs some protein, as well.
What I saw against the Jaguars was Matt Ryan calling some shots early in the game. Maybe Mike Smith
finally told Mularkey to take a back seat.
I give no credit to Mularkey for our 41 points.
I'll say this every week- unless we win a Superbowl, Mike needs to go.
He needs to go to the mother fucking trash cans. Matter of fact, I might get Alcon to get on him....
Just a quick one here... please Alcon, please put your claws through the chest of drew brees.
That is all, Alcon.
Oh, and I'd like to thank Botchelism in advance for dropping the lawsuit. Thanks a bunch!
1) 1-13 Colts
Last week: 1
Well, I was wrong about when they would get their one win of the year. AND i was wrong about manning
coming back. Colts officially shut down manning for the year. Honestly, as I sat in the bar on Sunday
morning, I saw that the colts were at home against the Titans and I knew thy had a chance. I did. And they won. Oh well, doesn't matter. they're still at the bottom of the powerless rankings.
2) 2-12 Rams
Last week: 2
Rams fans everywhere were celebrating. I even think there was a parade of some small scale thrown in the
city of st. louis somewhere. That's right, Rams are now just one game ahead of the colts! Suddenly the #1
pick isn't so far off.
3) 2-12 Vikings
Last week: 3
Another true sunday morning at the bar story- I spotted a saints fan watching his team struggle (early in
the game) against minnesota. So of cours, being dressed in falcons gear, I had to go give hi a hard time.
"Go vikings, huh?" and he turned to look at me, and was instantly disgusted with me. As he should be, i
thought. At least his hot female friend was cool. I wanted to show her my falcon... it's beastly.
4) 4-10 Buccaneers
Last week: 4
Another week, more destruction. This times, it was the Romo-led cowgirls who laid a giant turd on the
Buccaneers. We needed the cowboys to lose so that they'd be kept down in the playoff hunt, but our best
pirate friends couldn't do diddly sqaut.
5) 4-10 Jaguars
Last week: on the mud shores
Los Angeles Jaguars played a team that can beat anybody, anywhere, at anytime. Falcons skinned the big
cats alive, but everybody needs to get off their high horse. Those are for Candlestick Park security
riders who have to herd human slaves into a bottleneck exit. New owner is Ron Jeremy's little paki-cousin.
On the mud shores...
Alone at 4-10- the orange browns.
And like always, the only reason you clicked this link...
The Positive Left Vs. Right Award: Lascivious Latinas
You know what, fuck all of you for tearing poor April's heart out last week. Only 36% thought she was better than the right? Man, oh man, I blame myself for not properly representing my angel. Well, this week, try to decide on the better latina. I dare you. They're both scary good. Can't go wrong, unless your wing-man breaks down on you.