Anti Awards, Week 14

Warning - such and such, bla and bla, don't read this if you're not 17. Like that will prevent you from voting down below? Reminds me.... all those stupid fucking websites that make you input a birthday to enter the site. Anybody can access anything they want when mother's not around, so just let me click on a "Yes, I am ready to party" link and let me be done with it. No? Okay, well fine... I'll just put my birthday in: January 1st, 1970. Sometimes I was born in 1964, 1979, 1990.. depends on how quickly I'm clicking.

Shut the fuck up, you stupid bird. Covering birds with a towel doesn't always work, as proven by this asshole parrot in my kitchen. S/He/Whatever the fuck sex it is won't shut his fucking beak up for one second. It has been getting smarter. It gives me the evil eye when I come around. It's gotten bolder. It tries to bite me while I'm changing its food and water. I'm an animal person, but birds are worthless. Except in duck hunt. They served a mighty fine purpose in that fine video game.

What's with the sudden change of heart this week? Not just Falcon fans... but the news folks, as well. Suddenly we're hot. Suddenly Matt Ryan is the man. Suddenly, we're in the top ten on's power rankings. And there's a video I have yet to check out titled "Falcons flying high".

Bullshit... 8-5, 1-1 the last two games... 6/8 quarters of bullshit football... Get the fuck out of here.

Everyone all better after that Houston bullshit? Guess so. There's been like 6 fan posts in 5 days. That Sunday/Monday during/after the Texans game, there were 10 posts put up. If we lose to the Jaguars - we won't - there will be 15 posts up within 15 minutes. I know you don't want to hear it, but I fear the fans of this team sometime. In short, put your livelihood on the line each and every week. Give the team a chance to break your heart. It will hurt. But when they win the Superbowl, it will feel tremendous on the inside. Lay it on the line just like you want this team to, each and every week. (Sigh...) I doubt the dome will be rocking this week. "Hey, nice touchdown there. Let me bust out my polite golf clap."

Don't hate me for speaking the truth. I'm your friend. I love you. And Lela loves you too:


Yes, that's another poster of mine. It's being shipped, as I write. Don't get your fucking disgusting drool on her either, you god damn jabronie.

And don't even think about playing with my babe April, either, you fuck tart... She's trying to shower!!


Or this babe... because I don't know who the fuck she is, but I'd still do very bad things to her and her mother at the same time:


If you're getting dragged to your room by your ear by your mom, don't ever click on this "article" again.

Falcoholics, I know you noticed the NFC South Watch disappear last week. It's because I failed, and so I had to take it down. Too bad the Titans couldn't finish the Saints off. That damn Titans backup QB made a really lame decision at the end of that game. Instead of throwing something, anything, up in the air with a mild chance of hope on it, he just watches the sack find him. What a bum. That's life as an NFL backup QB, though. You tend to be a bum.

There's still an outside chance the Falcons could win the division, I think. Saints drop a game to Vikings or Panthers, and then to us. Falcons win out. We both go 11-5. Tiebreakers come into play. I'll get into tiebreaker details if the Vikings can somehow pull off a major upset for us in Minnesota this week. At least they've proven they'll show up to play football every week. That's a good sign.

Enough of this bullshit that I'll read now... ANTI's...


There's always a few quarterbacks battling desperately to earn this award. It makes it tough for me to decide... except when Matt Ryan plays like an ass fuck. Then it's pretty damn easy.

But this week, the committee has chosen to go with Carson Palmer.

I like to write letters... so I wrote Carson one. We're tight like that. We drink beer and knit beanies in the off season.

Dear Carson,

Before the beginning of the year, I was rooting for you to be freed from the Bengals. I don't know why, I guess it's because I don't think an owner should stubbornly hold onto an asset that he's not going to use. Why not trade you, I asked as you were finishing up a generic black beanie that you could affix your next team's logo onto. "Smart", I told you. Just like those championship hats... they just glue those logos on in 2 minutes and then rush them out onto the field so they can market them.

Ah, you know me so well Carson. I just get carried away into outer space and towards Dolphin Planet with my ramblings.

When you threw three picks against the Broncos, I still defended you. I told you and everyone else who would listen that you just needed some more time with the team. It would get better. Then, for a few weeks, it did. You had some good numbers in a few wins, and all seemed well and good.

But this week, you blew it all out of your ass. You know I can tell you this because I"m one of your top three best friends forever. You threw four interceptions, and you and your team got their asses handed to them in Green Bay. You were expected to lose, but not like that.

You're not the Carson I've come to know and knit with. You're acting like Tony. Just don't turn into a backseat defensive coordinator after overthrowing the game sealing touchdown, like Tony did against the Giants, and you'll be okay.

And pick up a huge supply of Heineken this weekend. You know I don't like Bud Light. You rich fucker, acting all cheap and shit.

Your BFF,


Read some stuff on here about it being Ryan's fault for the safety on Sunday. The way I remember it... Mularkey called two run plays, and then had a two receiver set on 3rd down. Why didn't we spread out 4 receivers?

The way I remember it, Ryan snapped the ball, stepped back, and was hit. He didn't hold the ball for too long.

Blame Mularkey, duh. Unlike others, I don't forgive Mularkey after a win. This guy needs to go, and he needs to go before the Saints game. Do you all want to experience another vanilla play call in a crucial situation? Did we forget the run up the middle in OT?

I want to see more of this, more often:


More often, as in- that's Matt Ryan throwing Mularkey Cones around in pre-game warm ups. Let Ryan call the shots throughout the game, and let's just see what happens. If we let him lose, could HE get us 30+ a game?

Against the Jaguars, can HE get us 50?

Sure, Jaguars play good defense.. but they're fucking 4-9, so fuck them. I had respect before, but now I'm too pissed off for that bullshit.

Final score needs to be in the range of 30-7, if that close at all.

Fuck you Mularkey.


I'll just save the masterpiece portion of Tebow's award for next week.

FINALLY, the Broncos get to play a real opponent.

Predicted score:

Broncos - 7 (on a non-Tebow related run play)
Patriots - 47

Bonus prediction: male media members still suck teblow's cock in the locker room after the game... "It's okay Timmy Boy, now finish in your favorite spot"

2nd bonus predition: gay and lesbian alliance of america or whatever the fuck their stupid name is reads these posts and gets their panties in a bunch... instead of worrying about real problems in the world...


"My fervent hope is that Jim's job is not in jeopardy because my fervent hope is we don't go 0-16, and we're doing everything we can to try and avoid that," Polian said on his weekly Indianapolis radio show, via The Associated Press. The guy who wrote this article which featured this quote suggested that Caldwell will have to win 1/3 games left in order to keep his head coaching position. I've covered this before... Why isn't Caldwell fired already? The guy took over a Colts team that just won the Superbowl, and because of that, didn't have to do anything except for handwash Manning's dirty underwear and answer a few questions after each game. I could have done that. I would show no shame in getting paid in the six digit figures to wash a grown man's doo doo stained laundry. No shame at all. And neither would you. Point being... Caldwell needs to be fired. Get someone on that team that will at least look pissed off at the fact that his team has been outscored 358-174 and has gone 0-13. He doesn't look like he cares... he probably mumbles in practice. "Coach, what'd you say? Speak up! Put some bass in your voice!" "I said, Colts need to fire me! I'm absolute garbage!" Hey, that's some honesty for ya.


1) 0-13 Colts

Last week: 1

Dave Chappelle once said "What more can be said about the Colts, that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan." Really, that's what he said in his player hater ball skit. Watch it again. It will be worth it anyways. In other news, Manning to start on 1/1 against the Jaguars... count on it.

2) 2-11 Rams

Last week: 2

With only three games left, Rammed and Damned are not getting the number one overall pick this year. It's just not happening. I caught the MNF game between the Rammed and Seabirds, and the Rams just looked plain nasty- and they smelled like it too. I can see some problems with some of the coaching decisions made- namely keeping Stephen Jackson out of the lineup for 3 downs on the 1 yard line. It took them 5 tries to get a touchdown from the 1 yard line, by the way... against Seattle. Makes for great powerless fodder!

3) 2-11 Vikings

Last week: 3

The Los Angeles Vikings - just kidding, I do not want to ever write or see that again - have lost again. Much like the Rammed, Vikings are Damned. They also won't get that number one pick, but that pick might be overrated anyways. A lot of great players were drafted at the number one overall spot, or at all. A lot of low profile college kids turn into big profile NFL pro bowlers. Eh, who am I kidding? Every team wants to be #1 on the Powerless Rankings!

4) 4-9 Buccaneers

Last week: on the mud shores

Bucs got destroyed by last week's Grossman award winner runner-up Gabbert and lask week's #4 most powerless team, the Jaguars, by an awful score of 41-14. If that, combined with 4 total wins, doesn't get you into the powerless rankings, then I'm not a Falcons fan. Their coach is looking more toastier each and every week.

5) 4-9 Panthers

Last week: on the mud shores

I heard the committe wanted to vote as many NFC South teams into the bottom five as possible. Panthers have been in this position before, and they'll be here again. I need to kick them while they're down, because, soon enough, this team should grow into something I won't be able to kick.

On the mud shores... each at 4-9:

Browns, Redskins, Jaguars, Dolphins

Positive reinforcement is needed after all of that negativity...


The Positive Left Vs. Right Award: The Force Is Strong

Most of these polls have been as ugly as Colts losses. Week after week, hottie after hottie badly loses to the other hottie. This week, I think I may have found balance in the force. You decide their fate. I know it's tough... flip a coin!

<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>

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