WARNING - Your mom will spank you if she catches you reading this. If you're too young to MAN UP, please click here.
Remember folks, this was written by a Falcoholic reader, and it DEFINITELY does not reflect the views of The Falcoholic or Sports Nation.
I apologize in advance to Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Rael, Mr. Kirk, Mr. Schultz, and of course, Mr. Choate.
(by the way, should mention I can't do my usual spacing... don't know why the editor suddenly won't respect my wish to space this out more)
This week, I'm going all out.
Because, quite frankly, last week was nightmarish.
Tired and busy, I rushed out the weakest anti award post ever in the 4 or 5 week history of anti award posts.
I should do an award for the weak sauciest anti award post, but I have too many other things to write about, and too many special one time awards. This may be a 2000 worder (last week was 1000, previous weeks hit the 2000 mark)
One of my favorite things to ask people is "what's your game plan?" Here's my week 12 game plan:
I'm going to get the NFC South Watch out of the way first, and then bust out a screeching u-turn with a little miniature houston trip preview of sorts, and then kick off with the Anti's. Or the order will be different than that, because I might change my mind or forgot, since I'm not too organized when I put these together. Tons of loose thoughts...
Those of you who only check out the poll, please feel free to scroll down and cast your vote. What's that? You never even read down this far?
I don't blame you, and I'm not mad at you. I don't read 100% of the site; I do what I can. And I wish I could do one of those girls you're going to vote on.
Maybe after I'm done writing, I'll call one, or both, over for a game of Nintendo Monopoly. Yea, more is more.
I lied, Houston "Preview" first..
I'll try to get myself a hot cowgirl date for Saturday night. I put up a strictly platonic ad on Houston's craigslist, but nobody but prostitutes replied. Worth a shot, I thought. Better check out that prostitute's profile now... Honestly, I would be satisfied with being in the company of a Texas hottie, paying for her drinks and just talking. I swear I would! That would be nice. If she wanted to do more, then I would get her phone number so that we can talk for hours on end and get to know each other first.
Safe sex, is great sex.
Eh.. sex is great sex. Just do it right.
Take your time!
Wait a second... This is not sex ed, this is my Houston preview that's not really a preview at all.
Lastly, I may or may not do Houston Falcs. I'll see how I feel Saturday morning. Let me know in advance if you do or don't want to hear about what I'm drinking at the bar, or how much in lust I am with Houston cheerleaders. My feelings won't be hurt. It will save my thumbs from writing on my little smart-ass phone's touch pad keyboard.
Gotta love Xperia Play...
Houston, we have lift off.
Corny right? I had to.
The end. No, not the end... I have the first of many special one time awards to hand out.. it's Houston related.
This was something I have been saving in my Falcoholic Folder (Yes, I do have one of those, for all of my ideas, rants, raves, Anti's, Breasts, ETC...
Look at my desktop-
This isn't a fucking game... this is real life!
Okay, so this guy gets a tattoo because he said he had to believe in the super bowl for it to happen.
All right.. I can roll with that philosophy since it's one I've been rolling with for years (believing in stuff to make it happen vs. believing it won't)
So, here's my tattoo.. hope you all follow suit...
I believe... do you?
I could have tried it again on my other arm since this sucked so bad, but I still believe it's funny.
Hey Houston fans, I meant that in a funny, harmless way. But if you're going to your panties in a bunch over it, then you are just like I remembered- an angry State of Texas-Texans when I drove through there on my way to Atlanta in 2009.
So tempted, I was, to put this on my car:
Assholes are bigger in Texas
Yes, that's a joke too... kind of. I decided not to put that on my car because it would be smarter than provoking someone to make me defend myself and possibly choke someone on the side of the 10 east. Highway patrol shows up, Cali-Man's ATL plans get canned.
Don't hate me. Besides, those are just harmless words. It's up to you to decide whether to get fired up or not, not me. I'm just the middle man. The X Factor, if you will.
When this little charty thingy was first created, I put the stars next to three saints games and said they'd drop one of those three. Well... one down, two to go... (sigh)
Since Eli isn't as elite as John Gruden suggested after one Eli completion, when the Giants were down 21-3 ("He's done some great things with this offense" says Gruden), the Giants got SMASHED by the Saints.
Now, Suh's vile, stinky, filthy dirty ass is out against the Saints, which makes it harder for the Lioness' to win on the road in New Orleans. Damn, too bad those games were on the road for the Saints. But, fear not Falcoholics. It would be MUCH sweeter if the Saints beat the Lioness', and then they LOST to the TITANS on the road. Keep the Lions and Giants down in the playoff race, and then get embarrassed by a weaker-than-their-record-suggests Titans team.
You know what? Fuck it, that will happen.
And here's why:
The Football Gods each shed one tear at the sight of the Saints being aggressive with a couple minutes to go. In fact, one of the Gods shed two manly tears, and shook his head in shame as the Saints scored, with approximately 1:05 left, to make it 49-24. Padding the stats? You bet they were. Do the Football Gods like that?
You know they don't.
And we all know what the Titans are named after right?
You see, this will goes hand in hand with my prediction. Fuck those bastardly Saints.. stupid fucking smirk on Mr. Crutches as they're putting up more unecessary points.
Just like that Colts game, remember?
And then remember that Rams game? By the way, did I mention the Rams should go back to those blue/yellow jerseys? They're much better looking than the blue/dark gold bullshit they wear. Those blue/yellow jersey's are part of the reason they beat the Saints.
Okay, not really, it was because the Saints think they have to put up an insane amount of points for the W to show up on their record.
NFC South, you will be ours. Oh yes, you will be ours. I'll thank the Football Gods in advance.
We all know Mularkey doesn't have it in him to pad stats anyways. We go up by three and he thinks it's lights out, time to shake hands with a real coach. He takes out a deck of cards and starts to play solitaire on the sidelines before the end of the first quarter.
Oh yes, I just brought up some mularkey. Reminds me, I had something else to speak about.
Something... that I choose to blame on Mularkey, because I have the freedom to believe in whatever the fuck I want.
Who's idea was it to put Grimes in this past week's game?
Okay, play along here...
"Kashberry, I don't know.. who's idea was it?"
(Me at the podium, one finger raised in the air)
Why, I'll tell you who's idea.
Him!!! That's who!!!
(furiously takes that same finger and ragingly points it at Mularkey - big shock throughout the room - camera flashes going off on the vanilla ice cream truck driver)
I blame Mularkey, just because I can. So there. Na na na na. Get over it. I"m kidding.
Seriously, why was Grimes put into this game? I made one comment in the week before the Vikings game, and it was on the injury report, and it was this-
"against the inferior vikings
Rest grimes please"
Did they listen to me? Or did they choose to listen to Mularkey? Damn it, took his word over mine again!
Seriously again, Grimes should not have suited up for this game! What were all involved parties thinking? Grimes, you should have kept yourself out of this game. We did just fine without you, as I knew we would. As you knew we would, too.
But nope, he's out there, he's jogging, he's hurt, he's out.
Wait for it... wait for it... GRIMES!!! YOU NEED TO STRETCH BETTER!!!!!!!! ERR!!!!!
How long will he be out? Now will he miss the road game against the Texans? We'll be okay there too, I think.. but I wanted to see him out-jumping Johnson....
Damn it, Grimes... should have fucking sat out against the Vikings.
But you didn't, and you got hurt. And it was Mularkey's fault.
You were not the only Falcon to get hurt that day, and he too might miss the game against the Texans. He'll be next to Grimes on the bench.
Who am I speaking about?
Next award, please!
So, here I am, sitting with Aces and EvilFalcon, watching the Vikings game.
During quite an emotional moment, in which we all had to yell or clap - I forget which - a fan who is extremely dedicated to the team aggravated a leg injury.
"Get the cart out here!" I yelled.
EvilFalcon: "No, Kash, I think I can walk to the couch under my own strength."
Aces: "You sure you don't need the two nurses from last week to come help you out? Or the asian nurse that Yoko let us borrow?"
EvilFalcon: "No, my friends, I got this. But I still need those nurses."
...five minutes later, he was down again. It was that kind of game, unfortunately. We couldn't just chill and watch the Falcons pad the stats.
But was he down and out?
Proud to say this was not the case.
This dedicated fan will be back for the Texans game.
Oh yes he will.
Dave, please list EvilFalcon as Probable for this Sunday. Thanks in advance for ignoring my request :)
Sarcasm, I love it.
Nothing sarcastic about this next award*
*Kashberry continues to reserve the right to contradict himself, because this is a contradictory, situational world. Situational is a word, you damn spell checker!
He did just enough in his prime to win a Superbowl. He's going to go down in history as one of the most overrated QB's to win a superbowl in the history of the NFL. Just like Terry Bradshaw. What?! Yea, look at Bradshaw's TD:INT ratio throughout his career. Steel curtain won those four Superbowls.
Eli, you have never impressed me. Not once since you've entered the league have I thought about how good you were.
Not one positive thought for you.
And that's probably one reason why you failed us.
Most of all, you've failed me.
Here I am, minutes before MNF kickoff, and I somehow manage to purchase a unique Manning jersey- right in time for the game.
Before the game was over, I ripped my new jersey apart.
Someone defaced it, anyways. A girl came up behind me and wrote "I love butts" on Manning's name, on the back of my new jersey. Hey, I didn't argue with that. I do love butts. Oh yes, I do.
Not to get derailed here, Eli - you suck.
You get the Gross Man's award for letting The Falcoholic down.
And again, most importantly - you let me down.
I'm never buying one of your jersey's again.
I left this award out last week because I was honestly way too tired (today I'm sick as well as tired) and busy to do my best.
This week, I found this little gem of a quote early on. Not sure what this goofball's name is, and of course, I don't care. YOu know what's better than a name? A picture! I have a picture of the ass clown, and you probably won't recognize him either. YOu will remember the ears though.
Well, here's his quote first-
(broadcaster who should be on the hot seat, on the Broncos offense with TeBLOW praying after every game right before he sins by fucking dolphins in the locker room bath tubs)
"We keep waiting for, I guess you can say, the rest of the league to catch up with this offense."
And by the way, here's that picture I promised, here's dumbo-
Earosaurus is making Billick's head explode on the inside. Or was it the quote?
Eh, we can live with goofy ears. It was the quote pulled straight out of the dumpster I was puking in a week ago that I have a problem with.
Damn, I love that Jack Daniels. While I'm on the subject of Jack Daniels, let me say that I have to debut something in a later post. Oh yea, that also reminds me of something I promised Caleb, but have failed to do as of right now. Caleb, I got you. It's at the end of the post. (I lied, but you are PikaCal who was temporarily Bigfoot)(Damn it, I feel bad for not getting this ready last night. I'll work on it tomorrow, post it next week.)
Oh yea, I forgot- Ear's quote.
Look dude, you get paid to talk about football right? You're just a puppet right? When you lie, your ears grow, RIGHT?
Because you are lying to us.
The rest of the league has to catch up to the broncos offense?
Don't you mean to say, the broncos have to catch up to the rest of the league?
Look, I'm a big fan of wins being the most important stat, but I would never suggest the Falcons had the best offense in the league - even at last year's 13-3 mark.
Here's what offense the rest of the league has to catch up to... presented in good old fashioned lazy way (as of right now, I've actually completed most of my work, minus the powerless rankings only, and I'm at 2700 words.. you'll appreciate lazy)
Broncos total points so far:
Orton's points: 20, 24, 14, 23, 24
Tebow came in for Orton against the Dolphins, beginning the hyped-up, revved-up magical offense
Tebow's Points: 10, 38, 17, 17, 16
Yea.... that's explosive. The 38 was against the Raiders when Palmer and that true backup threw SIX interceptions, 2 returned for touchdowns... so that's 14 points... we're at 24 now. And I won't dive deeper into it than that.... field position was probably atrocious for the Raider's D that game, is all I'm saying...
Somebody else on NFL.com said something about the Broncos defense keeping them in games, and I agree. I agree because I knew that before i got onto NFL.com and saw that. That's football in general - a great defense will keep you in games. It's common sense.
So, the broncos defense has been outstanding, and what do they get? A teBLOWing site is put up, everyone wants to teBLOW, talk about magic... okay, he is magical, I'll give him that. He is, after all, the King of Dolphin Planet.
If that's not magical, then I'm not in love with Colts cheerleaders. Oh... well, I'm not. They were just average looking.. I'd prefer this any day:
(brakes slam, tires screech- people skipping down to the poll had to scroll back up to this picture to take a gander)
Where was I?
Oh, Broncos defense creating the tebow hype...
Here's their points allowed-
23, 22, 17, 49, 29
Tebow starting: 45, 24, 10, 13, 13
So, I'm not going to tell the story of every individual game, but points scored/points allowed/wins are the three most important stats to me. Broncos would have lost to the Raiders if their QB situation wasn't fucked, as the Raiders still put 24 points on the Broncos.
I'm still saying Tebow is all hype. He's garbage.
The truth will hit the media soon, and the media will soon have to stop sucking his cock on their talk shows.
They'll remove him from this list of QB's they wish would show up in their office to gang rape them-
And now it's time to make my next quick point...
You know who is winning this award, AGAIN.
No, it's NOT getting old.
I won't write about him again, yet...
I'll just leave you with this:
Ooooo, I can't wait to spend way too much MORE time bashing one player...
1) 0-11 Colts
Last week: 1
What more can I say about the Colts that I haven't already? Oh, I know. They played the previously two-win kittie kats. I think that was one of their last chances to win a game. They know they don't have to be winless to be number one. Maybe they'll squeek one in at the end of the season, like I predicted on here before: Manning comes back, and gets them one win on New Years Day. Colts cheerleaders are so happy they fly to California so I can take them all out to the beach for a picnic.
2) 2-9 Rams
Last week: 2
At home, losing to the Cardinals, just like a powerless team would. Cardinals have been on this list before. Get beaten by any team that has been mentioned here and you just plain suck. Rams will bounce back next year, just you wait. Media won't talk about it though. They are all too busy being herded around into each other's asses.
3) 2-9 Vikings
Last week: 4
At times, we made the Vikings look good, because we are not the Saints. We show compassion. And we have Mularkey. Keep Mularkey if and only if we win a Superbowl. Anything else, just fire him. Oh, and keep starting Svitek. Yes, that was random. I'm being kind to the Vikings right now, but they still suck.
4) 3-8 Jaguars
Last week: On the mud shores
This team just threw in the white towel. Not only have they fired their coach, but they also sold the team. When I first saw the headline, I thought... "Los Angeles Jaguars?" I don't want that, because they're an AFC team... when need an NFC team in LA so that the Falcons have a better chance of coming out here. But, I read the article. It said the current owner wants the big cats to stay in Jacksonville. What did the article failed to mention? That there's tons of talk behind the scenes... we fans get about 0.000015% of what really transpires within the league offices. This is what happens: New owner moves team to LA's new stadium in a couple years; Jags ex-owner pretends to be mad, publicly bitches; media eats it alive; pretend legal battle ensues; Falcons come to LA; I go to Falcons game, joined by a bunch of red #7 jersey's pretending to rise up; LA Jaguars cheerleaders look extra hot in the Southern California sun; One of those cheerleaders bends down to tie her shoes; I take a picture and post it on here; Dave bans me for life; I create a new account; I get banned again after posting that year's first breast cancer awareness post because Dave wasn't fooled; I start my own Falcons blog, and get zero visitors for three straight years, because The Falcoholic is that awesome. And, because there are already one trillion adult themed websites. And I haven't ever visited a single one!
5) 3-8 Panthers
Last week: 3
These fuckers only went up two spots because the Jag's aren't a team anymore (good for our TNF matchup in a few weeks) and because we kept the Vikings at two wins. Rules of powerless rankings do exist, but I won't explain them. On a different note, I've said this before, as many others have- NFCS will be a tough conference in the years to come. Panthers won't always be this sucky. Hopefully they will though.
As the strongest of the three 3-8 teams, The Mud Shores have one occupant:
(8 teams have 4 wins, by the way... including the Bucs - Simpsons' HAHA!)
You know what, let me just take one quick moment, for those of you who punished yourself by reading all of this... all 3634 words (thanks, by the way)... I just want to say, it's really difficult looking up girls to put on my posts... Think I like that research? My mother is going to beat me if she catches me researching for this post.
That's all I'm saying, let's get this beast concluded:
The Positive Left Vs. Right Award: Poster Shopping
So, My living room is a bit bland... and messy. Good messy though, because it's not like I have food growing on plates lying around. Just a printer, ethernet cables, gold wii controller, a box, three natural medicine books, a case of cds... stuff like that.
Anyways, I need a poster. And so I bought one. Can you guess which poster I bought? Or will you pick the poster you want?
I'll answer that in a comment later...