Give me another break, I'm still tired.
If you read through all of this, give yourself a break as well. This might be the lengthiest post I've ever placed on this amazing site. Probably even more words/pictures than my road trip posts last year.
Speaking of trips... Who's going to the Indianapolis game anyways? If I see any other Falcon jerseys I will be forced to ask that person if they're Falcoholics or not. Then I'll tell that person who I am. And they'll say, Kashberry Who?
And if it's Caleb, I'll get his autograph. And then put him in a friendly choke hold. All of the fans of the other team won't understand, but we all will.
strongly considering all of the horrendous week 8 quarterback play, I had to give this award to the player with the lowest QBR (Week 8 QBR details here).
With a rating of 3.4 out of a possible 100, how could I not give it to Tim Tebow?
A real shame, because he also won his own award again.
I won't get into the details on this award.... Instead, I'll make you scroll down... this next award is going to be lengthy since it's two awards rolled into one.
Oh, boy... this is too easy.
I won't say "I told you so" because I don't say that. But I was right about Tebow.
Like the Rex Grossman award, this was an obvious choice. Didn't you see it coming? The only question you had about this award was how I would approach it. I'm going all-in.
First and foremost, I was priveleged enough to be granted an interview with the man from outer space. The real reporter got sick, and I was called up from the bench. Honestly, I didn't prepare well enough. You can call me JaMarcus Russell... someone told me that the coaches sent J-Russ home with a blank DVD so that they could find out if he even reviewed the game plan. They asked him, "What did you think?". JaMarcus replied, "It's a good plan!". That's what I heard. I didn't look it up myself, but I believe it. That's me, I'm JaMarcus Russell. I didn't study the game plan. Instead, I asked the questions I thought of last week:
"Tim, you had to rely on a lot of luck to beat a winless team... what happens when you play a team that can actually play?
"Didn't you see what happened? 4 turnovers. But I did manage to get 7 points in garbage time."
Do you think you'll be crushed into an oblivion?
"Did you hear me? Didn't you watch the game? The score was 45-10. Doesn't that say it all?"
"Do you wish you could play the dolphins every week?"
"Of course I do, but they don't make the schedules like that yet. They don't love me enough."
"Why do you think the talking heads spoke about you as if you're the next Troy Aikman?"
"Why do you keep asking me questions that you already have the answer for? The talking heads will talk about anything that sounds like a good story. The next week, this week, they're throwing me under the bus."
"Don't you think you'd make a better fullback?"
"Well, maybe I'll be smart enough- or a team will be smart enough- to reinvent me as a fullback. Then, maybe Kashberry won't get to put me on The Falcoholic because I'll actually be contributing. I might be good for trick plays too, as long as the coach doesn't want me to throw more than 5 yards."
"Okay, bonus question, and then we're done. Would you say that the lions ate you?"
"I walked off the field by myself, but I would say they ate my soul."
"Back to you, Kashberry!"
Thanks for that great interview, JR. It ended just in time, since I just remembered something.
This past week, a new term and website surfaced- Tebowing.
Heard of that crap? No? Lucky you. Let me get you up to speed.
Here is the definition of Tebowing, as written on the official crapsite- "to get down on a knee and start praying, even if everyone else around you is doing something completely different."
Here's the definition of Tebowing, as written by an honest person- "The act of praying flamboyantly, as if this will do any good for Tebow's career or the Broncos organization."
Too bad I don't have a scanner, because I had a great tebowing idea. I was going to draw something awesome and post it on here. Actually, probably a good thing I don't have a scanner since I already include tons of pictures. Plus, Dave likes his bandwidth to stay healthy. If Timmy keeps giving me a reason to include him on these posts, then I will borrow someone's scanner and make it happen.
What will happen with Timmy and his career? Only time can tell.. Time will tell us nothing, so don't expect anything except for all the Teblowers to feel really dumb about that jersey purchase, if they don't already. This guy will go away... one of many professional athletes who had their little moment, only to be lost and forgotten in a vast sea of players who are actually talented.
Tebow will go back to his home planet, in a galaxy far, far away. And he'll take Matt Leinart with him. The space dolphins miss Tebow, and they deserve him more than we do. And they need him, badly...
(sorry about the bandwidth, Dave. I had to do it. I promise I left out a million other picture ideas, though.)
(she's actually catching rays on earth, hence the helmet)
Next award, please!
With Matt Bosher hopefully doing nothing but practicing in the bye week, this award had to go to someone else. Bosher, I do not want to see you on here next week. I'll be in Indianapolis for the game, and if you somehow ruin the game I'll go down to the field and kick you.
Surprisingly easy pick for me this week.
A 2-6 team has lost some close games. I don't like this team at all, and neither do any of you. But, you have to respect them, for they will become quite formidable over the next few years.
The team I'm speaking of is the Panthers.
I'm sure you saw it- this Mare guy missed a 31 yard chip shot that would have sent the game into overtime on his home field. Sure, I know they were playing the team that was ranked #5 on last week's powerless ranking. But still, you have to make those kicks.
And if you don't, you end up right here.
Congratulations, Olindo! And great name, by the way!
I saw a quote, and at the same time, I immediately saw a winner. I knew this guy had the potential to win his brother's Anti Award.
Rob Ryan, you're not a head coach. You probably think you are, since the cameras seem to find you more than the real Cowboys head coach, Jason Garrett. But you're not. You're trying to get a head coaching position by taking a page out of your brother's book and running your mouth. The Eagles took the crap that came out of your mouth weeks ago and buried you in it in the form of 34 points.
Oh, and that quote that I saw that gave you this weeks award is right here-
"I know Rex is one of the most recognizable head coaches in football this year, and things like that. But, I mean, he's also gone to two AFC Championship games in a row. I mean, I don't think anybody else can say that. So, he's had an opportunity and he's done great with it. I'll be better than him, so I'll get my chance."
You'll be a better head coach, or you'll be better at getting the opponents motivated?
Please just focus on your defensive unit and let your brother do all the jibber-jabbering. Not like it ever helps in any way other than providing the opponents with fuel.
Thank you, Mike Smith, for never making me have to consider you for this award.
MM, on the other hand... hmmm.. perhaps if he goes off into another rant..
And......Let me take a moment for an exclusive Week 8 award (maybe unique to this week)
Wow, check out those Colts fans. Imagine rooting for your team to lose every game (or whatever else it takes to stay on the top of the powerless rankings) so that they can have the number one pick. Would you root for the Falcons to do that? I wouldn't. I 'm an extemely competitive person offline (and I guess online, too) and so I like winning. When the Falcons have another bad season, I'll still be rooting for victories, and I'll still be traveling for at least one game of the season. That's what being a real fan is all about.
I mentioned "those colts fans". Which Colts fans, you ask? The group of Colts fans who get their own, one-time Anti Award:
LUCKily I'll be in town to interview some fans if I see this in person.
1) 0-7 Dolphins
1st place, yet again. This team had a lead going into the 4th quarter. Then, the coach called them back. The game plan is to make everyone think you're trying week in and week out. They're not trying. They're just making you think they're trying, and they're doing a good job.
2) 0-8 Colts
Moved up a spot after the Rams' victory! The 2nd of two remaining winless teams. With our beloved Falcons visiting this week, Colts only have to pray that the Dolphins win so the Colts will have the coveted #1 spot. Not too likely though, with the great coaching of the Dolphins and the fact that the Dolphins visit the Chiefs.
3) 1-6 Cardinals
I wasn't too surprised that the Ravens came back to win. There was too much time, and this Cardinals team just doesn't win on the road. As predicted, the Cardinals stay in the race, and they even moved up a spot thanks to...
4) 1-6 Rams
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. After seeing the final score of the Rams-Saints game, I was almost as happy as watching the Falcons win. It really did feel like a win for us on our bye week. A huge bonus. But, Rams still stink. At least they don't need Luck as much as the other teams on this list do.
5) 2-5 Broncos
I would put them at #4, but I can't since they do have one more win than the previously winless Rams. Broncos are in need of more losses as well as some wins from the other four teams on this list. If they continue to start Tebow, they won't have to worry about winning any games and ruining their own shot at getting that number one pick.
And, without further ado, I present the only positive you can take from this post. Be sure to try to make a point to read the words and not just stare at the chicks. The words might affect your choice.
Who am I kidding? You'll just ignore the writing and pick whichever babe you'd want to show off to your friends. Am I wrong? No, I'm not.
The Positive "Left Vs. Right" Award: Study Buddy
You have an important test coming up, and you need a study buddy. Who is going to help you nail that test?