FanPost

A light-hearted analysis of the Falcons' offensive stars

Now that our Falcons have blazed their trail through the regular season with such authority as to leave us all with a week of no games, I thought it would be a good idea to use my first FanPost to look at the less talked about qualities of some of our offensive stars. The layout and tone is *ahem* inspired by the Strongside/Weakside articles of The Onion but with a decidedly Falconly focus.

Matt Ryan

Positives

 -Reads defences so well he can analyse the dreams, hopes and desires of opposing defensive coordinators

 -'Matty Ice' nickname could lead to lucrative supervillain career

Negatives

-Choice of number 2 jersey shows low self esteem

-Has yet to reclaim Rookie of the Year award

 

Michael Turner

Positives

-Due to lazy metaphor used every week by 'insightful' analysts, can now be rolled in standard rules, 10 pin league play

-His size allows him to run over smaller players (But not in the Donte Stallworth way)

Negatives

-While nickname "The Burner" is cool, has never literally been ablaze whilst playing

-Rushes a lot for the Falcons instead of just taking his time

 

Brian Finneran

Positives

-Leads league in optimism, as shown by this attempted dunk after a week 2 TD

-When jump balls are thrown his way he can get pretty high (But not in the Ricky Williams way)

Negatives

-doesn't realise that 1st and 2nd down exist

-is mostly bionic, but in a way more akin to Stephen Hawking than the Terminator

 

Roddy White

Positives

-'Production to antics' ratio still at tolerable level

-Ignored standard procedures by performing at a higher level after getting a fat contract

Negatives

-Tendency to run past and away from opposing defenders could be seen as cowardly

-Lacks explosion and change of direction skills required to effectively draw excessive celebration penalties

 

Tony Gonzalez

Positives

-Became a vegan just to piss off the residents of Kansas

-Used uncanny ability of finding holes in zone defences to help find hole in the ozone layer

Negatives

-Stuffs ball over goalposts with authority, but needs to work on his perimeter game

-Is so conscious of animal rights he has started to symbolically drop one ball a game in protest of the use of leather in footballs

 

Sam Baker

Positives

-Beard provides habitat for 3 species of endangered birds

-Is a real gentle giant, although his hugs of the opposition are often mistakenly called as holding by cold-hearted officials

Negatives

-Actively prevented people from hurting Matt Leinart in his time at USC

-Mental lapses can sometimes shoot his team in the foot (But not in the Plaxico Burress way)

 

Todd McClure

Positives

- So old he makes all line audibles in Latin, preventing those whippersnappers on the d-line from keying on them

-You may remember him from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System!"

Negatives

-Never actually graduated from Bovine University

-As a former SEC player (LSU), he used to kill the Bulldogs (But not in the... umm, never mind)

 

 

If I have inadvertently stolen any jokes (credit to Mike Carlson for the Ricky Williams one) or you have any constructive criticism please let me know

If anyone enjoyed this and I get the time, I'll try and do a defensive edition in the coming weeks.

<em>This FanPost was written by one of The Falcoholic's talented readers. It does not necessarily reflect the views of The Falcoholic.</em>

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